Dangling

So in a random late night bore I decided it’s about time Americans, nay, THE WORLD has a mandated pet-naming system. Look out Wyoming, I’m taking your right to hate free healthcare next.

Okay it’s about to turn into a textual Rubik’s Cube so stay with me here. Look up each of the following “winners” from whatever year you were born. 

1. If you get three consecutive consonants move to the first vowel on word number three for non-sports. 
2. For sports teams use the nickname on each third word if the school or city begins with a consonant. 
3. If both are consonants for sports revert to rule number one’s vowel rule.
4. It must make sense in American english, therefore Ch, Th, Pr etc. etc. are suitable connectors. Tq is not. Move to every other vowel if it is more desirable with the three consecutive rule. After all it’s your pet, you should have a little say.
5. Post a picture of whatever animal you think the name should be assigned to. (Yeah in my pet power trip I ended with a preposition.)
6. If you don’t have a Tumblr to share this on, get with the program please. Might as well break out your Walkman casette player and acid-wash bandana. 

NBA Champ: Boston Celtics

NHL Champ:Edmonton Oilers

Grossing Movie: Top Gun

NFL Champ: Chicago Bears

MLB Champ: New York Mets

Billboard #1 Song: That’s What Friends Are For by Dionne and Friends

NCAA Football Champ:Penn State

NCAA Basketball Champ: Indiana Hoosiers

And….

PET NAME: Betcetpi

Sounds like a dinosaur! I’d get an iguana if I wasn’t so sure the scales they shed were capable of an evolutionary process from amoeba to an 18-inch creature. Also, you’d need to be a weirdo to like lizardlike pets. Get a cat, dog, turtle, camel, or Fox News production assistant. Happy naming.